Didn’t expect this to happen…

At the end of a week in which I had the opportunity to work a bit more than I had originally expected, I was pretty tired, but also looking forward to finally putting the screws to Horridon on Sat./Sun. Little did I know how the weekend would actually unfold.

This is a story about raid team drama resolving itself in a bad way. Not the worst possible way, mind you. The worst possible way (team-wise) would be if the team completely imploded, its members scattered. That hasn’t happened, and doesn’t look to be doing so, which is good.

Anyway…

At 9:30 Saturday, our scheduled raid time, we had 10 people, out of 11 who were invited, online and ready to roll. We made a quick detour to Krasarang to kill Warlord Bloodhilt for the three of us who needed to complete A Change of Command (woot, got my extra socket!) and then hit up Throne of Thunder.

Other than killing Jin’rokh the past two weekends, we hadn’t attempted Horridon since March 17th due to people going away for Easter week and so on. So we killed Jin’rokh and worked on Horridon until sometime after midnight, making some progress, and vowing to get it done the next night.

Since I was looking forward to having Sunday off, I took the liberty to stay up late, kill some rares, and complete a few quests in order to cap Valor, since that would make anything I did on the warrior the next day worth 50% more in terms of Valor gained.

I should have just gone to bed.

At around 1:30am, I was on my way to answer a “Mumta up” call-out when this happened:

wowscrnshot_040713_013452.jpg

Now, for a little background on the situation: the person whose name is blacked out is a friend who has run with us on occasion for a long time to help us fill out raids. His main is the tank on a team that, coming into this weekend, had out-progressed our team in T15 by ten bosses. He’s a great player, brings very valuable perspectives on the boss fights – since he’s done them several times already – and is a positive presence on the team in pretty much any way you can imagine.

The person whose name is blocked out in red is a guild-mate, and she and I have been good friends for a while now. She was the eleventh invitee, who wasn’t online when we had ten people and had started the night’s activities.

Over the past few weeks, one of them has usually had to sit out for the other on our Jin’rokh kills. This is where the drama kicks in. Of course.

Friend-of-Guild is completely fine with sitting out, understanding that he’s playing an alt. Guild-mate is apparently not fine with it. Which is odd, because Guild-mate is someone who, when we were transitioning from Cata to MoP, was telling me that she wasn’t sure she even wanted to raid, or even play the game. Who always hates the changes to the class she plays. Who whispers me “I suck” in between boss attempts, along with “I should just quit” and the like. Who types things like “we’ll never kill this boss” in raid chat when we’re working on progression. Who regularly sits at the bottom of the damage meter due to things like turning to run away from bad rather than strafing, and having low uptime.

In spite of this, she has remained a member of the team, which is all well and good. We’re friends, after all. Which is why, for a while when she would say those things, I would respond with “nah, you’ll be fine” or offer some advice… which eventually gave way to me just not responding at all, because saying “I suck” and other such comments, without seeking high and low for possible adjustments and improvements to make, is completely unproductive, as well as being highly annoying and deflating for the person(s) having to read them

The above screenshot started a short conversation that did not go well. She was apparently unhappy with sitting out for Jin’rokh. When she was invited in for our attempts on Horridon, she declined, from what we were told. So that was the end of the story… until she whispered me in the manner you can see above.

This shocked me. I personally did not ask her to sit out on Jin’rokh. In fact, I don’t know that anyone did, but the reality is that we had 10 and had started our raiding activities when she logged in, so it wasn’t an issue. But I’m a teammate and friend – not even the guild master or raid leader. And yet, she waited until the guild master and raid leader had both logged for the night before lashing out at me.

I was shocked and appalled.

And then I got very angry. I was tired, and that didn’t help. And so I responded with a short litany of my objections to her attitude, letting out my frustrations with her that have been building up, unsaid, since our time in Dragon Soul, at the very least.

And in the course of the conversation, I also strongly objected to the disrespectful way that she addressed me. It was, given our friendship, something that I never, ever expected to happen.

But that didn’t matter. It was like something had snapped, and she decided to take it out on me. And I didn’t respond in a way that was “whoa, hey, calm down,” so my reaction didn’t necessarily help things. But I had had enough, and I didn’t like being treated that way. (Pardon me, but) I’m not just some asshole who likes to fuck people over. I’m an adult, and so is she. So to be treated that way by her was extremely unpleasant.

It began to feel like I was talking to a baby. Talking to a completely different person than the one I had known. She told me things like:

WoWScrnShot_040713_013459

And at that point, I had had enough. It was getting a little too 9th grade for me. Things were pretty clear: for some reason, I was at fault, and had stopped being her friend because I had played with Friend-of-Guild – just like I do every single week – so I shot off that last line and left it at that.

Now, my original plan was to kill a couple of rares, etc. and then hit the hay at a moderately reasonable hour. But at this point, I was wide awake, pissed off, and my heart was pounding. So I didn’t get to sleep until a few hours later, didn’t sleep much, and wasn’t feeling that great when we downed Horridon for the first time on Sunday night. In fact, I was distracted all day by what had happened, and I couldn’t shake it, and as such I played like crap, including dying for a really dumb reason on our kill – I shot War-god Jalak without Misdirecting him. But I was super proud of the team – it was a lot of fun to see that huge dino finally hit the ground.

She left the guild on Sunday night as we began to pull the trash before Horridon. By that point, everyone on the team had heard what had happened, and nobody was really happy about it.

As it stands, it appears that I have lost a friend. I would’ve liked to have had a reasonable conversation with her, but I kind of killed that by not being the better person and refraining from throwing my own frustrations back at her. Sunday evening before she left, she was being super fun-time chatty in /gchat about things that she normally didn’t seem to give a crap about, lighting up everyone’s screen with a green wall of text about rares and skeletons on the ground and the virmen on her farm and PvP… even said something to the effect that she loved being positive. It was hard to watch it unfold, in addition to feeling like she was mocking me.

Why I was the target of all of this, I’m not sure. But now, I have to get over it and move on.

– – –

Thanks for reading this post by Mushan at Mushan, Etc. Comments are welcome!

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5 Comments on “Didn’t expect this to happen…”

  1. It’s possible she thought of you as a/the leader in more of a social sense. You can be a focal point without having some sort of “leadership position.”

    Waiting until the folks who could have done anything signed off makes it seem to me like she had a chip on her shoulder that they never could have resolved (and she likely did not want them to). I rather wonder if she waited for them to sign out so that you could not get them involved when she began.

  2. hasteur says:

    Sometimes people get upset over the slightest slight (whether percieved or intended). That they logged in after the start time, when you already has a full group and demanded a spit smacks of entitiled eliteism. I know I’ve been on the side of “I demand a spot” before, but I’ve also been on the “I was ready 15 minutes before the event was supposed to happen and we’re now 15 minutes AFTER the start time and waiting for potential extras.”

    In fact when someone is in a funk like that it’s best to let the guild/raid leadership handle that and if someone wants to say upset words and unrevokable actions, that’s their perogative.

  3. Bensen says:

    I figured this post was coming and have been thinking about how to reply to it since everything went down last night. First off, I want to apologize to you for having to field the brunt of an attack that should have been directed at either me or Squido. Had I been doing my job as GM I’d like to think things would not have ended the way that they did. Maybe you’ll let me write a guest post some time about how *not* to run a guild that raids.

    I had high expectations for our raiding when MoP launched given out success in DS when we ceased raiding last May. As I reflect on those experiences and compare them to what we experienced during our T14 raiding I realize the common thing that has held us back is fence-sitters. It grieves me how far the guild has strayed from its founding ideals. The phrase “Nos Consensio” means “We Cooperate.” You don’t need the best players on the server to make progression–although we have several of them who raid with us–you just need 10 people to work together toward a common goal and then you’ll be successful.

    It’s unfortunate that we had so many people simply quit playing after we stopped raiding last summer. I think if we would’ve been able to field an alt run sooner, it would’ve given the fence-sitters a home. That being said, I think had we sent the person your post is about to the alt team the end result would have been the same.

    It’s a shame because she is usually a nice person, but to call a spade a spade, she was selfish. Not only was she unwilling to improve her gameplay, she took numerous marginal gear upgrades that would’ve greatly benefited the other player and which would’ve helped the raid as a whole. I’m not saying she was malicious, just not committed to the goals of our raid team. I wish her well with any new team that picks her up.

    I need to talk to Squido about it some, but this ought to be an occasion for some soul-searching within the team and o clearly set some goals for what we want to accomplish and what we’re willing to do to get there. I’m with you guys and want to see as much as I can over the next 10 weeks or so that I’m able to raid. (Dental school is going to force me into retirement June 17th.)

    I’m sorry things happened the way they did for both of you. If you want to chat about it, I’m going to try and be on tomorrow night for LFR otherwise hit up Squido for my number and shoot me a text.

    Bensen…

    • Mushan says:

      To start at the end… I have your number. :)

      I’m good. I’m sure we’ll chat about it at some point. I’m feeling good about where we are, and think we’re in position to continue to make some nice progress. We’ll see how it goes.

      I certainly wasn’t blaming you at all, of course. Please know that.

      That it was directed at me… I’m a big boy, so it will pass with time. It wasn’t a happy thing in and of itself. But writing about it is something that helps me, I don’t know, ‘get it out of my system’ and move on. And, at any rate, like Prinnie said in an earlier comment, there was something to it being said to me on purpose. Others were on – not you guys, but several other team members – but I got the nastiness. I don’t know what caused that, and I may never know, but like I said, it will pass. You might possibly have been online all night and never heard a peep about it, for all we know.

      It was good for me, to write this post. And thanks for your thoughtful words / this comment. I’m already feeling better about it for having communicated about it, and I’m looking forward to next week and the next opportunity to kill some bosses with my friends. :)


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